Did you even ever stop? Did you feel guilty every time you did it? Or did it not phase you? Are you really sorry? Or just sorry you got caught. You wouldn’t have showered me with all that attention if I didn’t walk in on you. We’re less than 2 weeks away…

I want to cry myself to sleep and honestly I probably will later. I want to be alone but I can’t be. This isn’t fair. I know I’m not the best when it comes to listening about travel but I would try for you. I would try for you. I would put my feelings aside and pretend like it didn’t bother me so that you could talk about it at least a little bit. At least a little. I hate myself. I hate myself so much.

I don’t want to be with you again but I think I’ll always wonder why I was never enough.

Was it a lie when you told me you were already with someone new? Or was that all said just because I had someone? It made me feel worse because either you lied about being with someone or you lied about not being ready for a serious relationship. I would prefer the former because at least that would be one less person who left me for someone else…

I want to be happy for you but I think I’m still angry, especially if it was the latter. You constantly caused my abandonment issues to swell. You constantly made me feel stupid. You made me feel like I meant nothing to you at a time in my life when you meant everything to me.

I hate that all of this has come up. I’m getting married and I’m so fucking excited. I would never give that up. I just feel guilty that sometimes this stuff still bothers me.

Im just glad it won’t be the 16th

You know that that’s what you’re doing to me right now, right?

I’m worthless. I don’t know why I continue to try to fix myself. I’m unfixable.

I don’t want to think you would do that. I can’t imagine you actually doing that. But I’m scared. I’m scared and the things said make it seem- I don’t want to say fishy or suspicious. I don’t want say anything that would be accusatory. I’m trying so hard to get out of that head space and just be trusting. I’m trying. I’m really really trying. It’s just so hard. Because why would you want to be with me. You said it yourself. “I don’t know why I’m even staying.” You said you didn’t mean it and you were just emotionally charged. But it makes me feel worthless and disposable and like you have all the power and could easily leave me. Would it really be so easy? Oh please let these thoughts just be in my head. Please let me stop having them.

No YOU are making things worse by by getting upset over literally NOTHING.

I kinda wanna fucking end myself. I hate myself so much. Why do small things fucking bug me so fucking much

Annnnnd I’m not allowed to be upset because it’s wrong to make someone feel bad about that stuff even if it’s unintentional.

Day 1 of counseling and I’m as terrified as ever. Nice dude but being open and vulnerable is hard. It’s very draining. And I just want reassurance that I’m loved but thanks to epilepsy, it seems that isn’t in the cards for me.

God I fucking hate myself

I’m so fucking stupid and annoying.

Why does this happen? Why can I not stop thinking about him texting me back? Why can’t I stop checking my texts 5million times?

Stop wanting to hurt yourself. Just stop.

I’m literally so fucking done with my annoying ass brain. I’m really bouta figure out some way to get so green high that I’m just in a fucking coma til tomorrow because this is so fucking hard.